It's dark. It's so dark. I'm scared but I love the colors. Even in the dark I'm not alone. They're dancing, the colors, and I love them because I'm scared but I love the colors and I'm not alone. I'm not alone. Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. Oh, the colors. I love the colors. It's dark and I cannot see but I feel the gripping, the gripping. Oh, the gripping. I cannot breathe now but it's okay because I cannot escape and I'm not alone and it's dark, very dark, but I'm fine, thank you, and I love the colors. It's dark. It's so dark. I'm going to vomit. I'm scared, but I love the colors.

I feel like I'm still there but I know I'm not because I'm at my desk now. I can see the Salesforce tower from here. I am on the fifth floor of this building but I can see the colors and the Salesforce tower is the second tallest building in California and even though I love the colors it's only the second tallest building. The tallest in the Bay Area. East Bay is where the room is. I feel dirty. I'm still there but I'm at my desk Yes, my desk, where I can see the Salesforce tower. I'm here, I'm right here. But we used to talk about it all the time, right? It's literally a penis, just a giant penis in the skyline. It's too big. Fuck it's too big. I'm still in that room and it's dark and I can see the colors, I love the colors, almost as much as I love the Salesforce tower. But today it's raining and I cannot see the Salesforce tower from my desk on the fifth floor of this building because I'm still in that cafe and I feel so small. We used to talk about the Salesforce tower. My legs are gone and I cannot breathe. I can feel her hands gripping, gripping, and I cannot breathe. It's dark and I love the colors.

I tried testing the envelope header on the printer but I can't get this thing to work. I hate this dumb machine. I feel so stupid. I don't want to ask for help. I'm competent. I'm good at my job, I always have been. I'm detail oriented, I'm consistent, and I care. I'm not any worse now just because it's dark and I love the colors no I'm fine I could print these stupid envelopes if it just stopped jamming every time I tried. I don't get it. Okay, let's try again, we're fine, we got this. We adjust the setting on the printer to 4?” x 9½”. We set the paper type to… what was it? Color, right? Yeah, right, okay. We set the margins on the computer. Are we missing a step? No, this is fine, we are fine. No, no, it fucking jammed again. You need to get it together. Stop thinking about it. But it's dark and I love the colors just stop we're fine. We're okay. I just don't understand why this always happens. His face. I felt so small. He's half a foot smaller than me but he towered over us, like the Salesforce tower we always talked about, and he looked down on us. I'm so small. You're so small. We're so small. I wish I could disappear. Hey, do you have a moment? I just want to apologize for how I've been. I know I've been different, it's just that, I've been, you know, I'm going through some medical and personal stuff I hope you don't mind if I zone out sometimes or ask for help and ask questions. No, yeah, I'm okay. We're okay. You're brave for saying something. Walk forward, one foot in front of the other. You know, in a line? Walk like you're on a tight rope. Hip sway. No, you're exaggerating it, subtle, subtle. Okay, turn away from the seat, aim your bottom towards the chair. Sit straight. Legs together. See? You're a real woman now.

I couldn't stop thinking about them all day and now I don't know where I am, Where am I? I don't know how I got here but I can't feel my legs, Where did my legs go and where am I? Trees and trees and winding roads and the speed limit is so fast, why is the speed limit so fast? How are they going faster than me, I don't know. It's dark. It's so dark. I'm scared but, where are my colors? It's not pretty anymore, I can't feel anything, I'm scared. I'm alone. We're going fast it doesn't even feel like it Fuck that was close You're going to kill yourself, stop, this isn't the time for colors. It's dark. It's so… Chile, Argentina, Paraguay, Uruguay fuck I couldn't breathe it was so dark and Bolivia, Brazil, French Guyana, Suriname, Guyana it hurt so much and I wanted it to stop but Venezuela, Ecuador, Bolivia. ABC islands… Aruba, Bahrain? no, Bonaire, you're thinking of the Middle East but why the fuck did she care so much about Israel, Curaçao, fuck I miss slamming AMFs at the BJs by the outlet mall and Trinidad and Tobago and the Falkan Islands. Was that it? That's all? How did I get home? 

I'm so tired. I can't keep doing this, fuck. Thank God I got my prescription because it's dark. I just need to lay down I just need a break just a small break. Small. I felt so small. I loved him, no, I love him, and he made me feel so small. I needed him but he didn't need me so I went where I was needed but it was so dark in that room. When I met him at that cafe for the last time, he towered over me and I was small like an ant. It didn't smell like coffee there it just, fuck I don't know, I'm alone now. There are no colors here. The walls are white and they keep staring at me and there are no colors here. I can't feel my legs. I can't feel anything. Okay obviously three wasn't enough I can take three more I've taken three more before and I was fine. I just need a break, just a small break, a small break. I felt so small. We did everything together and he was always here when I was hurting but now I'm hurting and he's not here. I'm still at that cafe. I'm so small. When is this shit going to kick in? It hurts and I don't want to hurt anymore. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's dark.

Deputy Fisher is so nice. He was so gentle. He said he had never done it before but I couldn't tell, he was so gentle. Delicate. I was vulnerable and laid bare and he took me in, soft with his words, caring. He looked guilty offering them to me but I did not mind although I may have looked too much like a puppy out of the mill because he was too doting. I like Deputy Fisher. He is so nice. But today was a bad day to reach out. I don't want to think about that fucking room anymore. I wanted to text him when I left the station even though he made me feel small because I shared every achievement with him. I stood up for myself and I wanted to be praised. Yes, yes. I don't mind feeling small now. I don't want to think about that fucking room anymore. It's dark in there. It's so dark in there. Where are the colors?

When I woke up, I had to run. They're going to kill me. They're going to kill me and I need to kill them first. I ran and ran until I found my gun. I shot him between the eyes. I didn't feel guilty. No, I felt safe. I need to run. Keep running. More gunshots to my left; run right. Keep going, you're doing great. But I'm not running anymore. I'm at the multi-purpose room. There are so many people here. Get the fuck away from me, I scream. I point my gun at them but they don't react. All of them, they're just looking at me. Looking at me. Happy Birthday!! She hugs me from behind and I push her off. She looks hurt. No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, are you okay? I'm okay, I just, I just want you to have this. I sat on the floor and tried to put the blocks together but they didn't fit together. It doesn't make sense. She pushes me down. She's on top of me. I can't escape. I can't talk anymore, there's gum in my mouth. I try pulling it out but there's so much. She rubs It on me. Everyone stops and looks. They're looking at me. I can't scream. I can't leave. She's touching me. Her hands are in my hair. Gripping, gripping. I cannot breathe. I'm going to vomit. It's dark. It's so dark.

I can't do this anymore. I don't want to wake up and I don't want to sleep either. I don't want to be in the dark and I don't want to see colors and I don't want to feel small. She told me there would be people there. I just needed a hug because he wasn't there anymore and he made me feel small and I needed a hug. The lights were on but it was dark. I wish Deputy Fisher didn't text me. He made me remember it. It was so dark. I thought we were friends. I thought she cared about me but I'm still in that fucking room and I can't leave. I can't breathe. Gripping, gripping. See? You're a real woman now.