I'm not a bad person anymore. I'm a star among stars. I left the Church and floated above Ionia and watched all the clustered stars dancing below without me. I watched for a long while. They would cluster in buildings for hours and hours at a time, and then cluster in little lines moving back and forth until they clustered in other buildings for even longer. They remind me of veins and arteries. Arteries... No, no. I just want to watch the stars. I'm just watching. Just watching. It's amazing how many stars there are now. I could see outlines of far away buildings just by the stars that occupy each floor, segmented, alternating, empty-bright, empty-bright. Each star an individual life full of beautiful emotions and feelings and memories, their love and hatred for one another, their beliefs and values. I've spent so much time in other people's bodies that I had forgotten what it really feels like to be here, in the dark with the colors and shapes, where I'm supposed to be. I feel nothing, for I have no body to feel with. But I still feel something. Yes. It's still there. It's that hole again.
I woke up in a small body, and for the first time I was assaulted by my senses. Smells and sights and touches and sound, all sensations I never could have understood in the dark and colorful space. I had felt pain for the first time and I felt it everywhere it could have been felt. My eyes burned from the blinding lights, my lungs froze from the crisp winter air, my ears stabbed from the unbearable screeching, and even my throat pricked from the violent vibrations. I was crying. The first of many times, over many years, that my tears flowed from my eyes into the crevices of my cheeks and yet as a baby, I had no words to describe what I was feeling. This was a time before speech, a time before understanding, a time before knowing. But however painful, there was a woman holding me, shushing me, rocking me back and forth until the painful became bearable. She was beautiful. She was my mother-- no, she was someone else's.
She loved her baby, with all of her heart and soul. She taught me how to speak, how to walk, how to use magic, and she loved me unconditionally, even when I would cry and wake her up at night, because even as a baby I felt that hole in my chest, and having her hold me in her arms made the hole go away, and I would cry for her constantly. She filled that empty void with everything she could offer. I never wanted to be apart from her. The world was terrifying. There were things moving around that I didn't have words for, things I had never seen before. When I was alone, for even a second, I would cry and close my eyes, because if I closed them hard enough, I would see the comforting, colorful shapes shifting in the darkness, and all of the scary things around me would go away. And once she held me, I could finally open my eyes and see the one shape I ever really wanted to see, and it was her.
She was proud of me when I said my first word even though I said it wrong. "Daddy," was what I tried to say. For months and months after I was born, she would show me something unrecognizable, but it was standing next to her in the picture. I didn't understand why, but when she did, she held me, and I was okay. One day, I looked at the picture and looked at her, then looked at the picture and looked at her, and she laughed, and her laugh didn't just fill the hole, it masked it and hid it, and I forgot the hole was ever there. So I did it again and again, and one day she stopped laughing, so I listened instead to what she was saying, "Say 'daddy', say 'daddy'," and months later, I finally said it.
I said, "Tavi."
And I had never seen her so happy. She laughed and spun me around and I laughed too and she kissed me on the cheeks and forehead and I thought that happiness would last forever and that hole would never come back again.
I'll never forget the day she died and left me behind. It wasn't raining. It was a bright and sunny day. The world didn't care about the massive void she left in my chest. The world kept going and going, no matter how many nights I couldn't will myself out of bed, or how many muscles cramped from the tension, how everything felt like dragging a corpse around. Even on the days I couldn't cry, I wished I would, because she mattered enough to cry everyday for. But the world moved on, and there, on the little dirt street that people sold fruits on, I worked, and I worked, and I worked, from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, selling fruits to people I wanted to be instead, because other the people didn't have the hole in their chests, and if they did, they never let it show. I hated the first life I ever had, and for a long time, I hated every part of it, but looking back, it was a beautiful life, full of grief and sadness and regret, and hopes and dreams and love-- especially love. I hated a life full of love that wasn't supposed to be mine.
And one day I died, too. It was an unceremonious death. I had just fallen in love for the first time, with a woman with a beautiful, radiant heart, and when I died, I saw she had a beautiful, radiant soul as well. She had finally filled the hole for the first time since after my mother's death, and we were in love, and we worked hard, and we planned for a family, to raise a baby the way I remembered my mother raising me, and then I fell ill. It was painful. My lungs had filled with fluid and I was bedridden for weeks with no sign of getting better. For the first time in thirty years, I thought about the stars. I remembered the dim stars and the brights star that taught them, and the different stars and the lost stars that faded away. I thought it was a dream-- a memory of a dream, having happened long, long ago, for until that moment, I had forgotten about all the colors and shapes and stars and I thought about death and what death would look like. Some said there was nothing, some said there was, and the fear of uncertainty gripped my heart, and one night, the love of my life held my hand as she fell asleep, and the next day, I was gone.
But I wasn't gone. I was lost.
A lost star that never faded away.
I woke up to Fymner gently shaking my shoulder and I growled at him and tried to go back to sleep.
"Chloe, um, please wake up. We need your help," he said in whispered tones, as if he was trying not to wake me up, while waking me up.
"Alright fine. Shoo, shoo. Let me get my clothes on, I'm undressed," I said as I waved him away, and he left the room looking a little embarrassed which I thought was kinda funny but I was too tired to smile about it. I entered the living room and saw a woman with red crimson hair, the robes of an Archbishop, and a strange looking arma pointed at Remi, who had Tavi hiding behind him.
"What's going on?" I asked with a shaky voice, realizing Fymner wasn't embarrassed, he was frightened, now with him beside me.
"Be not alarmed, my child, for this is not yours to worry," she said, with soft voice.
"I had come to deliver a missive for the next subjugation, come to find a vessel empty for possession," she said, quietly.
"And I said, she's off-limits," Remi replied louder, with a hardened face that was completely different than any he made last night.
"Limited are your powers Archmagus, your honor, and yet above the law is no man. Not even you," she replied, firmly.
"Tavi has a soul," I said, with a quiver in my voice, "a bright soul. I've seen it for myself."
"Check again, my child," she replied.
And so I approached Remi and Tavi slowly, I paused and steepled the position, seeping mana out of my fingers for my heart to receive and navigate soulspace. There was Remi's and his large yet dim soul that covered most of my vision, so I sent out a bright thread that looped around to the other side, and sent a pulse of mana through the end of the thread to observe the body of Tavi behind him, but I saw that her soul was not in her body. It was hiding. It was the same bright soul I had seen in the carriage, hiding behind Remi's soul, connected to him by countless threads. But before I could understand what I saw, the inconsistency of my soul had detatched my thread, and I could feel the exhaustion from my body having lost too much mana, and I was forced out of soul sight, a method I could have sustained for hours before my soul...
"And, what did you see?" the Archbishop asked, and I looked at Remi who looked back at me, and I was at a loss for what to say.
"I saw a soul," I said, covering for Tavi with a lie by ommission. But I couldn't sustain it.
"And where was the soul?" she asked, as if she already knew.
"It, um, it-- she," and I stumbled over my words, overwhelmed by the pressure and tension in the room.
"Remi, you are protected and blessed by good company. Do right by Goddess Leeka and Resolve this pitiable Conflict. You will have saved hundreds and all that must be done is to step aside and lay her to rest. Until then, you will forever be trapped in this room, with me, no matter if you comply in one death or one hundred. Her will shall be done."
And before I could process what she meant, I saw a sharp glint from her arma.
...
I woke up to Fymner gently shaking my shoulder and I growled at him and tried to go back to sleep.
"Chloe, um, please wake up. We need your help," he said in whispered tones, as if he was trying not to wake me up, while waking me up.
"Alright fine. Shoo, shoo. Let me get my clothes on, I'm undressed," I said as I waved him away, and he left the room.
I entered the living room and saw Remi with a frantic look on his face as he almost begged me, "Chloe, where's Tavi?"
"Who's Tavi?"
"Remi, I have been authorized by Goddess Leeka to inform you of what is needed for you to know," she said, handing me a rolled up piece of paper. Great, another freak, this time from the Ionian Church of Protection and Whatever. Cali sat confused on the couch. She hasn't spoken many words without Tavi, and I would have kept trying to get her to speak if it weren't for the Archbishop interrupting me.
"Great," I said, "I'm a little busy right now."
"Yes, we shall speak matters of this woman after you have been taught a Property of Clairvoyence Magic," she replied, which instantly caught my attention. Another Rule.
"Continue," I said.
"It is of the Fixed Hour, that which anchors your body to the present time and return r
upon your death," she said. It's about the 5th Rule.
"What about it?" I asked, and I noticed I was sweating just a little.
"It is preordained by Goddess Elkae that you shall follow the Narrative; by Goddess Leeka that you shall Resolve the Conflict; and by Goddess Aekel that you shall Survive and Conquer. The Fixed Hour will be shifted, to that end, by their holy grace, when they have made it imperative to The Plot."
So a whole lot of garbage wrapped in pretty words that I already theorized. Yawn. When I learned about the "Goddess of Goddesses" I figured as much. Knowing they use the term "The Plot" isn't very enlightening. The 5th Rule stands as it is, although the "my life is authored" hypothesis took a pretty big hit when I learned the other Archmagi were from Earth. It may be the case that the Goddesses are real, and equally the case that they're false idols to justify an expansionist agenda. There may be a property of the 5th Rule rule that I haven't discovered yet.
"Now, for the matters of the woman," she said, interrupting my train of thought, and she pulled a gun from her robe and pointed it at Cali and before I could even think I pulled Cali off the couch and stood her behind me, "move, Remi. She is a vessel for demonic possession and must be purged."
"She's part of my Cabinet, she's off limits. Fuck off."
"It is of the Holy Commandments that demons are purged."
"She's not a demon."
"Worse. She is a shapeshifter's vessel, and concealing their harm, these demons hunt and prey. Stolen are the souls of the innocent; from vessel to vessel are these demons hunting, yet never revealed, for their evidence is hidden."
"That's... but, I..."
"Worry not, your honor. By only one sacrifice, the lives of hundreds will be saved."
"Oh! Uhm, hello Archbishop, ma'am. Is, is everything, um, okay?"
"Greetings, my child, and calm your nerves. Everyth--"
"Fymner, go get Chloe."
"Sir?"
"Please. Please, I need your help."
"Yes, sir..."
"You have a resolute command of your Priests, your honor."
"Please, put the gun down."
"I apologize, but no. I cannot allow your escape from the Fixed Hour. This is a divine intervention."
"What's going on?"
"Be not alarmed, my child, for this is not yours to worry."
"I had come to deliver a missive for the next subjugation, come to find a vessel empty for possession."
"And I said, she's off-limits."
"Limited are your powers Archmagus, your honor, and yet above the law is no man. Not even you."
"Tavi has a soul. A bright soul. I've seen it for myself."
"Check again, my child."
"..."
"And, what did you see?"
"I saw a soul."
"And where was the soul?"
"It, um, it-- she..."
"Remi, you are protected and blessed by good company. Do right by Goddess Leeka and Resolve this pitiable Conflict. You will have saved hundreds and all that must be done is to step aside and lay her to rest. Until then, you will forever be trapped in this room, with me, no matter if you comply in one death or one hundred. Her will shall be done."
...
I woke up standing besides the couch and immediately realized the missive, the Archbishop, and Cali were gone. What happened? I respawned right here, right in front of where the Archbishop was, but she's not here, and Cali isn't sitting on the couch either. What? How did this happen?
I walked to Tavi's room and noticed her belongings were missing. She travels light, so maybe she packed it in the drawers? But wait, nothing should have changed between respawns. That's not how the Rules work. That shouldn't be possible. Fuck my chest hurts. I looked and dug around each room and found nothing. None of Tavi's belongings in any room, in any drawers. And she's not even here. Did she leave the building?-- Did she shift out of Cali, and Cali walked away?
"Sir, are you okay?"
"I'm busy I-- wait, have you seen Tavi?"
"Um, Tahvee?"
"Tavi. It's, Tavi. Have you seen Tavi."
"I'm sorry, sir, I don't know who you're talking about."
"What? How? She came to the Adventurer's Guild with us and rode the carriage to the North Gate?"
"I-- I, just, I..."
"Go get Chloe."
"... Yes sir."
"Chloe, where's Tavi?"
"Who's Tavi?"
"Both of you? Is this a joke? This isn't funny."
"No, sir--"
"Calypso 'Tavi' 'Cali' Calliope. Chloe, you met her when you woke up without your memories on her carriage, just one week ago, remember? It was exactly when you had issues with your soul. It's when we met."
"Remi, slow down, please. Breathe. I promise, I really don't know what you're talking about. I've never met a Calypso 'Tavi' 'Cali' Calliope, I never lost my memories, and the only time I had issues with my soul was in Arcae."
"Yes you did! You did all of it!"
"Remi, you need to calm down."
"How am I supposed to calm down? This isn't fucking real."
"Remi, please. Hey. Look at me," she led my by the hand and sat us down on the couch, and Fymner came to sit on the other side, "Okay, I need you to breathe. Slowly. Can you do that?"
"It's just-- I just," and she held my hand tighter.
"Okay. Breathe in for four seconds, breathe out for seven seconds. Do it with me. Okay?" she asked in a soft voice.
"Yes... okay..." and I breathed in, and out. In, and out. And we matched pace. Fymner hesitated for a moment, but began to breathe with us.
...
"Okay," she started, as she held my hand gently, "tell us what happened, from the top."
"I died."
"What do you mean by that?" Fymner asked, speaking in hushed tones.
"That's-- it's how Clairvoyence Magic works. I'm not omniscent. I can't see the future."
"Okay," Chloe replied, in a similar hushed tone, "what happens when you die?"
"I'm sent back. Back to the past. I respawn-- I wake up at a checkpoint. The checkpoint shifts, but I have no control over it."
Chloe looked at me, almost through me, "What happened this time?"
"I was sent back. Right back here, in front of the couch. Archbishop had a gun pointed right at us. She was here to deliver a missive, but found Tavi and called her a demon. A vessel for shapeshifting. Then, she shot me because I protected her. And then I was here. But she wasn't. And now, neither of you remember her."
"I'm guessing that's not how your Clairvoyence Magic typically works," Chloe said, still hushed, almost whispering.
"No. No, it's not."