This is what I deserve. I can't hurt anyone like this. I don't feel anything. I don't see anything either. But I can hear. Sometimes, I can hear. It's hard to trust people. Especially myself. I guess. I want to reach out and hug him. Again. I can't. She's touching him. I can tell. I don't want her to. I can't do anything about it. But I can feel him too. That's good. I'm sleepy. I just need to sleep. Just close my eyes. Just for a moment. Oh, right. I don't have eyes. I can't see. This is okay. This is okay. I'm okay. He's wrapped around me like a warm hug. Soft and fuzzy. It feels like love. I need to sleep. Goodnight, Remi.
I sat on a bench outside the Church and took a long drag of my cigarette. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Or maybe, I never really knew, I've just been handing the reins to Elkae and the Church, but I guess it was never really Elkae. It was Elkae filtered through the Church. I've never wanted a divine intervention more than right now, in this moment, from any of the Goddesses to tell me if I'm doing any of this right. I flicked the ashes on the floor and took another drag. I cant count the number of nights I've prayed and I've always taken it on faith that whatever my choices were, I was making the right ones. Right now, I'm just not sure. I flicked it again for a last drag. In a lot of ways, Fymner is right and I know I'm right too, so what do I even do in a situation like that? Compromise? Any compromise would risk something worse than death for Remi. I've followed the word of the Church every step of the way and now I'm wondering how many awful, harmful choices I've made so far.
I tucked the filter into my pocket and lit a second. I was the one to deliver Remi to Sirrus and he never thought ill of me for it. Well, maybe this Remi did, but he hasn't shown it. But it was me. The whole thing makes me feel ill. I took another drag and flicked the ashes, but some of the embers fell and burned my thighs. If we're going to restore a system of checks and balances within our own executive system, we'll need more Cabinet members that Remi can trust. Despite getting frustrated, Remi has been very open minded to me and Fymner's challenges. Maybe if he's surrounded by people who feel free to disagree with him, then he'll have a breadth of perspectives to make more informed decisions. I took another hit and flicked the ashes, making sure not to burn myself this time. Tavi would obviously be one if she was here with us now. Fymner too? But we can't have informants leaking information. I don't know. I'm not a leader. I'm just a-- something that isn't a leader. Argh. I ashed the filter on the floor and tucked it into my pocket.
"Have one to spare?" I heard a voice day from beside me as they sat next to me on the bench.
"Sure," I replied, as I opened my case to give him one and to light another myself. I gave him a quick look over and he looked, well, rugged, a beastkin with furry black ears buried in a messy nest of hair, a five o'clock shadow barely maintained, and old ragged clothes that I was grateful smelled washed.
"What takes ye 'round 'ere?" he asked in a rough and scratchy voice and I wondered if mine would sound like that too if I don't kick this habit soon.
"On a mission from the Church of Speculation and Prose in Locria," I replied as he leaned in and lit his with my finger.
"Aye, one of the warmongers?" he asked with a crooked grin.
"Yeah, unfortunately," I let slip, but figured it didn't matter anyways, "I don't even know why we're here yet. We'll find out soon."
"That so?" he said with an almost sarcastic tone, "Got a feelin' we be workin' together real soon," and he held out his hand, "Stratus. Demon hunter."
I shook his hand lightly, "Chloe Einzweller. Well, what brought you to the bench?"
"I see a pretty lady, I go 'n talk ta 'er," he said, either trying to be charming or trying to be sarcastic, and I couldn't tell.
"Shoo then, shoo. I got enough romantic baggage to deal with, I don't need more," I said dismissingly as I waved him away with my free hand.
"Well lemme axe you a question sweetheart, wha'dya think 'er the war?" he asked, and I recognized he had an accent I couldn't quite place.
"There's no point to it," I replied with a sigh, "it's a bid for Conquest."
"Nar, not even close," he replied, taking a drag and being at least kind enough to exhale away from me, "it's a bid fer Survival."
"Survival from what?" I asked half-heartedly, not really buying what he's trying to pitch.
"The death er'vya civilization," and with that, he spun his cig from his middle-index to pinky-ring to point at me which, I'll admit, was a little impressive, "Locria ought've died a long years ago, with yer millyuns of people 'n fancy inferstucture."
"I don't get it," I said.
"Course ye don't, miss. It ain't in yer blood ta know. Know why the dungeons appear in places they be? Ever wonder why they be in the poor districks? I'm willin' to bet ye ain't know at all," he said, and took a drag long enough to kill it, "Aye. I do. It's how I find work. Knowin' where ta next be. These cities ain't be 'round fer long. Unlike ye poor warmongers, I'll be havin' fun huntin' berfore it all burns down," he said as he flicked the filter onto the concrete and got up to leave. "And missy? If yer over yer ro-mantic baggage by the end of the dungeon, come gimme a chat 'n we'll smoke about it," and he gave me a wink. Gross. After he left, I killed my third cigarette and bent over to pick his off the floor. I really need to kick this habit, because I could really use a fourth one.
I walked the block around the Church and noticed, for the first time somehow, that it was the tallest building in the entire area. Every other building nearby was single-story, and their conditions were, well, subpar to say the least. When I looked around, I noticed I barely saw any humans. Some elves, but mostly dwarves and beastkin. Thinking about it just made me more upset. I decided to walk away from the Church, and the longer I walked, the more destitute the areas appeared, and I didn't even walk that far. The neighborhoods were littered with abandoned buildings, dilapidated infrastructure, and overgrown shrubbery, but most notably, it was still filled with life-- people, everywhere, and nobody to maintain it. How? When all it costs is a single Plant Mage to tame the overgrowth, or a handful of Industry Mages to fix up the broken buildings? If it were Locria, a neighborhood like could be cleaned up in a couple of hours, and only a few weeks to fix up this entire side of the city. I was here a little over a week ago and I never noticed. How? Did I really just, not care? So I walked back. Being here makes me depressed. If Ionia is the Merchant Capital of Aeolia, how can they not afford to get their affairs in order?
I took the elevator back up to the suite and tried not to let my mind wander too far, but it still somehow ended on Remi. I should have had my fourth after I got back from my walk but it's too late now. I guess I could go back down, but the elevator ride is so long. Ugh. I don't even have the energy to be lazy anymore. Things were just going so well. It feels stupid to be heartbroken over someone I only dated for a week. Even stupider to fall in love sooner than that. Stupidest to know I could move on and choose not to, anyways. What is it about him I even like? He's kinda pathetic and socially oblivious. I kinda think thats cute though. It's like, I don't have to guess about what he cares about. He's not socially astute enough to lie or manipulate people, like how he was excited to learn about the 4th Rule even when Fymner and I were concerned. A lesser Archmagus would have lied about it working to keep it as a trump card, or saw our reactions and agreed it was egregious. No, he's just, I don't know, authentic I guess. He said he didn't count, but I wonder how many times he let himself get killed to get the four of us out of that dungeon alive. I don't know if I would have gone that far if we swapped positions. Maybe just far enough to keep him alive. Assuming I didn't get to know Fymner. And Axel and Sylvae. I wonder what they're up to right now?
"Hi Chloe," Fymner said as I walked back into the room.
"Hey," I replied awkwardly. I don't really know how to talk to him after everything we went through last night.
"You don't think Remi would erase me, right?" he asked, and I could hear the anxiety in his voice.
"What?" I said, a little shocked.
"It's just, I'm worried that I could go to sleep and not wake up. That's always a concern for a halfling, but--"
"You're a halfling?" I let out without meaning to. I know he's short, but I--
"Chloe that's not the point," he said with annoyance in his voice which like, yeah, that makes sense, "Look, this is different. If I woke up dead the next morning, I guess that would be fine for the most part. But if I never existed?" he got quiet and looked down, and I couldn't figure out what he was thinking.
"I don't think he can, and even if he could, I don't think he would. Remi can't displace souls, that's something apparently only Tavi and Remi could do together and she's-- not here right now," I added, catching myself, "and I know Remi. He wouldn't do that to you."
"How could you possibly know that when he's trying to bring her back?" he said with a crack in his voice.
"Because that's not the kind of person he is. He trusts you," I said.
"Then what if I betray him? What if I tell Bishop Sirrus?" he said weakly.
"You won't do that. That's not the kind of person you are, either, because I trust you too," I said and I really wanted both of those to be true, too.
"I need a way to painlessly kill myself at any moment," I said to the two, and quickly corrected, "well, it doesn't need to be totally painless, just painless enough that I won't hesitate to do it. I guess I could bite my tongue off, but I'm not sure I could pull that off."
Chloe looked at me for a moment before saying, "I, I don't disagree-- well, I can see why, but that just seems..."
"Because what happens if I need to reset but I can't? What if one of you dies but I don't, and my checkpoint shifts again? Then I could lose one of you forever." Chloe gave Fymner a look, and he looked back at her, but I couldn't really tell why. "Well? Any ideas?"
They both just looked at me for a second, and for a brief moment I was upset that I couldn't read faces because that would really help my theory of mind, until Chloe said, "I could teach you Arterial Magic, but a precise incision would require an almost perfect mental image of the venal system," and I was immediately impressed, recalling how accurate Tavi was in her body, and how accurate she was when she killed me the other night.
"Could you Google a picture," I said before I stopped, forgetting for a brief moment that I'm no longer on Earth, "Urgh, never mind. Well, Fymner? Any ideas?"
"... Sir, you could carry a small knife?" he said, and for some reason Chloe whacked his arm with the back of her hand and shot him another look.
"That's not a bad idea, but it needs to be something I can do hands-free in case I don't have access to my hands or the knife," and this time Fymner gave Chloe a look first and their little glances started pissing me off. It's like they're having a hidden conversation in front of me without me.
"Well, we could probably go to the Merchant's Guild and commission an Arma Mage for you," Chloe said.
"Armas are made by mages? I assumed that armas were found inside of dungeons or something," I said, remembering all the MMOs I used to play.
"Most of the resources found in dungeons are crystals, mostly for jewelery," Fymner said, and I thought about that for a second. Crystals have such a wide variety of uses on Earth, everything from optics and electronics to clocks and radio. Now that I think of it, why isn't there "analog" tech alongside magic tech on Aeolia? Another thread to keep in mind for later.
"Hmm. How do arma work? Could we really commission a suicide weapon?" I asked.
"Well, I didn't graduate from Help and Helpless, but the basic mechanism of arma is a system of costs and restrictions. You have a desired output that's equal in mana cost to the power of the output minus the restrictions of the output," Chloe responded.
"I think I understand, but could you give an example?" I asked.
"Okay, so my arma here," she said as she pulled out the book Tavi used to heal me, "it can reconstruct veins, arteries, flesh, and bones. That's an extremely powerful output, so without restrictions, it would cost more mana than my soul could pump out. So, my restrictions require an accurate mental image of the entire venal system and skeletal structure, which significantly cuts down the mana cost. It's still a heavy cost, and I can only really heal human-like species. I tend to struggle with beastkin and other animals."
"Wow. That sounds remarkably like Nen," I thought outloud.
"Sir?" Fymner asked, and I didn't really want to explain the concept of anime and Hunter x Hunter so I just moved on.
"Never mind that," I said, "Okay. What about a ring with the output 'severs a brainstem' with the restriction 'only works on the user'? That should cost basically nothing, right?"
"Actually yeah," Chloe replied, "something like that could work really well. The issue is going to be getting it cleared by the Guild."
"Why?" I asked.
"Typically, 'trap armas' that inflict damage on the user are illegal to produce," Fymner responded, "It's almost impossible to discover the output of an arma without using it first, so outputs that harm the user rarely pass Guild inspection."
"We could try to find an underground producer?" Chloe mused.
"That's absolutely against the law, especially for a Church official," Fymner chided, "and nobody is above the law," which made flinch thinking of the Archbishop, my heart started racing and I felt myself beginning to sweat but I couldn't understand why.
"Chloe, I'll put you on the task," I said, trying to talk past the way I feel, "the Archbishop came by today while you were gone. Protection and Service found the new dungeon entrance, and--"
"Where is it?" Chloe asked hurriedly.
"Somewhere in the middle of the, uh, something-district. Sorry, I don't remember the name. It's in the middle of a neighborhood is all I remember," and with that, Chloe glanced to the side and went quiet, "Fymner was already updated and he'll be one of my three Mind-Links. You weren't assigned as part of this mission since you're a high-ranking official, but I want you to talk to the party members anyways. There are a handful of Church members in the subjugation team and I think your presence as Cabinet will build party moral, but mostly I want you to talk to the party members that aren't. I need you as an informant to help us build out an information network. I'm tired of being drip-fed info by the Church."
"Okay. I think that's a good idea," she replied, "I think I met one of the party members. Just today, actually, outside the Church."
"Really?" Fymner asked, "Which one?"
"Stratus, a beastkin, self-proclaimed demon hunter," she replied, which really made my skin crawl. I had never considered there were bounty hunters for demons, but given what the Archbishop said about Tavi, that makes sense.
"Oh, he's in my team," Fymner said, "I'm surprised you two met."
"Yeah, me too. He's a creep and a weirdo. Feel free to let him die, Remi," she grinned at me and I couldn't help but giggle.
"Oh, and Chloe, you'll be happy to hear that Axel and Drossel are also in my team," Fymner responded.
"No way! What are they doing out here?" she beamed.
"No idea, but we'll get to say hello tomorrow," he replied, "I'm looking forward to it."
The two of them started talking about their last dungeon subjugation and I let them have their time. I really just wanted to lay down and rest before it starts getting busy again. I walked to my room and laid down on my side, looking out the window from my bed. There's too much happening at the same time, and even with a journal, it's hard to organize everything that I need to do. With the next subjugation coming up, I'll likely spend another few months trapped in a loop. And it'll be another few months I'll be spending alone. I used to find a lot of comfort being on my own. That was my favorite part of childhood, mom and dad working nights, being alone at home after an exhausting day of being around other people, just hanging out on the Internet and reading and... now, it's something I dread. I can only associate it with death and monotony. I used to really enjoy iterative processes, slightly tweaking inputs and observing how the output changes but the Church has slowly inverted everything I loved and hated. I can't stand the idea of being trapped in a room repeating the same task over and over until I get the outcome they want. Or the outcome the both of us want.
My thoughts started to get too heavy so I focused on the sights beyond the window. I was too worried about Tavi on the way to the Church and I barely took in the sights, but this city is markedly different from Locria. For one thing, they actually do use carriages here and it seemed like a privilege for businesses and the upper class. It was also the first time I've seen homeless people since coming to Aeolia. And furries. Actual catgirls, bunnyboys, foxwomen, and wolfmen, and somehow it's a lot less attractive to me than it was in anime. I don't know, they just looked off. They're just humans with animal ears and animal tails, and I kept wondering how they wear clothes like if they have holes in the back of their pants, and I noticed one of them had a set of animal ears and human ears and which seems like an evolutionary redundancy to me which--
"Can I come in?" I heard Chloe say from the doorway.
"Yeah, yeah, come in," I replied and felt relieved to have her company. I've actually really enjoyed the time we've spent together since I came to this branch. This Chloe has been very supportive and, well, comforting. I almost cried when she hugged me last night but I had already done enough crying since we met. I heard her gently close the door and saw her walking towards my bed in the reflection of the glass.
"I want to talk about the Cabinet," she said in a hushed voice as she sat down at the end of the bed, "I think we should consider building a team of confidants to share in your knowledge of the Five Rules." There it is, the shonen anime trope I was worried most about (the recruitment arc, like when Luffy went around collecting members for his Straw Hat Pirates) and the reason I don't like where this is going is the reason why large friend groups never seem to last. "Remi?" If I have one friend, I only have to worry about what that one person thinks about me and what I think about that person. Three and it's what 1 thinks about 2 and 3; what 2 thinks about 1 and 3; and what 3 thinks about 1 and 2. Four and it's what 1 thinks about 2, 3, 4; what 2 thinks about 1, 3, 4; what 3 thinks about 1, 2, 4; and what 4 thinks about 1, 2, 3. And five? Six? Seven? Add in emotions, history, romance, love, hatred, "Hey, Remi?" and it's a ridiculously complex, combinatorial explosion of interpersonal relationships that gets impossible to think about and manage. And here, in Locria, as an Archmagus? If I'm the "leader" of this group? I can barely understand what Chloe and Fymner think about me, and I have no idea what Chloe thinks about Fymner and Fymner thinks about Chloe. How are we going to add even one more person into this dynamic without breaking my entire brain? How am I going to protect everyone when I can't even protect, just... one of us. "Remi?"
Chloe shook my shoulder and I sat up and shifted next to her, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was just, thinking," I replied.
"You're worried about that, aren't you?" she said, and yeah, I can't deny that, "I think it's going to be important going forward. You mentioned an information network earlier. I think that's important, but it's equally important to have a support network, and the only support we have right now is from the Church."
"Yeah, you're right, it's just," I said, unsure how to word things, "I don't know. It's hard to trust people. Especially myself. I guess." I leaned against her and rested my head on her shoulder. It's really not like me to feel comfortable with this kind of thing but it's nice. Tavi really changed me, in some way.
"Then trust the version of me that trusts your version of you," she said, as she rested her head against mine.