I met Remi at the front of the Church, and wondered where he slept last night. He looks so ragged and exhausted and distressed. He looks like the kind of stray dog I would find in an alleyway. He doesn't even have that blank face he's always wearing.
"Have you eaten?" I asked.
"Not since the peach, no," he replied.
"That's not enough. How are you not hungry after being healed and dying so much?" I asked back.
"I don't know, it just didn't register. I don't feel it, I guess," he said, still looking resigned. He's going to shed some weight eating like this, and he barely has any to spare.
"Come, let's go eat. I'm hungry. I waited for you," I said, as we walked back to the station, mostly in silence. I'm happy that he feels more comfortable talking to me now! He looked so happy yesterday. Far happier than he does now. What could have possibly happened to him?
We walked down Market Street together and it was quiet, with all the corporate Mages in their little high-rises, and a good handful of shops were closed before the lunch rush. What was left over still had a variety of pleasant smells and I especially liked walking by the chocolate shop, but Remi didn't look up at all. It's like nothing registered. I poked him in the arm. No response. I poked him again. Nothing.
So, I poked him in the face, and he asked, "What are you doing?"
"I don't know. You look sad," I replied.
"Do I?" he said. He's not even aware of it. How could one person be so unaware of how they look? Even his clothes look ragged, maybe more than his actual body. They're some kind of clothes I don't recognize, actually. I wonder if he comes from the East. He has the darker skin tone for it. That would actually explain a lot.
I realized I had been silent for a beat too long and said, "Yeah. Let's get food in you," as we arrived at the noodleshop under Cali's house. As we sat down at the bar, the owner welcomed us in.
"Hey hey!-- there's my favorite customer! Back from Ionia so soon? How was the harvest?"
"Hi Keith!" I replied, "It was great. Plentiful rain brought a bountiful harvest." The words came out before I could even think of them. I watched him as he prepared a couple bowls for us, chopping up chives and fishcakes and mushrooms. He's so practiced. He barely moves a muscle. I thought about his apprenticeship as a child and how excited he was to open this shop with Cali and felt a pleasant and warm sensation in my head. In minutes, he handed us our food. Remi was face down on the table, possibly sleeping, and I shook him awake.
"Who's this? Your new boyfriend?" Keith said with a smile that kinda pissed me off. This time though, Remi barely reacted at all.
"As if. Too soon, Keith, don't be rude," I said with a sad, forced smile. I thought about Skips and felt that feeling in my chest again. Ugh. Keith never was known for his tact and I wish he would just leave her alone already.
Remi finally stirred and just looked at his bowl of noodles and sighed, "Oh. This is just ramen."
"Yes. Good job," I said sarcastically with a funny face, but I don't think it came off. I can't get this guy to feel anything today. I took a bite of my noodles and came away with the same feeling I had yesterday, entering a home that wasn't mine.
I waved Keith goodbye and led Remi by the hand, up the metal stairs outside to the inside of Cali's room. "Nice, isn't it?" I asked, "I think it's warm and comfy," and he looked around, looking less ragged after having eaten.
"This is Cali's home?" he asked with furrowed brows.
"Yeah. She didn't keep very good care of it, but it feels nice to be here despite that. Always on some errand, outside of the city," I said a bit wistfully.
I watched as he walked around the room, looking at Cali's belongings: her dusty cabinets, barely used kitchenette, and finally the altar I had dressed up yesterday.
"These flowers look new," he said.
"Yeah," I started, "she picked those flowers off the side of the road before she met us-- Flower Mage and all. It's amazing how talented she is. Not just any Flower Mage can force a bloom this beautiful."
He reached for the crowned picture frame and looked it over as he picked it up. He stared for a long moment.
"Skips," I said, "Cali's husband. He passed away recently. An accident. They never saw it coming and, well, she never stopped blaming herself."
"You speak like you know her, intimately. Is that what you meant by, 'you feel how they feel and feel how they felt'? Like, when you shifted into that grieving mother," he responded, and at that, I felt a little strange.
"Oh. Did I tell you that?" I asked with a puzzled look.
"Yeah. Oh. That might have been a branch," he replied, with his blank face coming back to life.
"I see." I'm still not sure what to think about Remi using his magic to learn about me without me knowing, but I felt deeply uncomfortable. Respawn Magic, he calls it. I sat on the bed to help my discomfort with a blank face of my own.
"I never did learn the rules of your magic," he said, "just a few things, just that you shift into people. I'm still not quite sure what shifting really means." He dragged a chair from the dining table, which gave off an annoying screech. He sat across from me, but still looked off in the distance.
"Um," I stuttered, "I'm not sure how to explain it. It has to do with souls, I think."
"Hmm," he started, "Okay. What exactly is a soul?"
"It's like your heart," I responded, remembering what it was like to be Chloe, "It pumps mana into your veins. It pulls from the mana around you. As far as I remember," and it was hard to, because it had been so long since she had been at the Arcaenium, "the soul is the carrier of the 'conscious experience' which is encoded into the soul itself."
"Wait, what?" he said with a concerned look on his face, "So, Chloe has your-- I mean, Cali's conscious experience? Are memories encoded in the soul? Wait, where does the soul go when you shift into someone?"
I tried to say something, but I'm having a really hard time following this conversation. It feels like every memory from Chloe is mixing with my memories from Cali, and Keith's too from the brief moment that he was me. He was an apprentice-- or Chloe was? No, they both were. Cali trained formally, Chloe and Keith informally. I remember when Cali took general ed with that teacher with the scruffy beard, Scharmann or something. No wait, Scharmann is from Heart and Soul. Cali took Souls 101 from the Arcaenium? But who knew what was encoded? What was encoded? What does encoding mean?
"This is hard," I said, "I don't like hard questions."
"You said that last time," said Remi with a hint of frustration, and suddenly I felt it too, deeply, because I don't remember saying that to him and I wonder if it was like a branch or whatever he calls it.
"It's not fair to bring up words I didn't say," I said, almost reflexively, "Don't do that. Stop doing that. It makes me really uncomfortable."
He looked confused and maybe a little hurt, "I don't know what you know. That's why I want to know."
"I just don't know how to answer your question. I don't know anything about souls," I said, feeling a little defensive.
"You just said a lot about souls," he shot back with those furrowed brows he always has.
"Yeah, but it's hard now!" I said, raising my voice almost softer than I want, but her voice wouldn't let me say it any louder. "I need a break," I said, even softer.
Remi gave off a face I hadn't seen before, and I had no idea what it meant, "I think it's important to know where the souls go," he said, softening his face, "because if the soul is the conscious observer, who is Chloe after you left her?"
"I don't know, Remi," I replied softly, "I really don't know."
I laid on the cheap mattress that hurts my back, in the cramped apartment that I can't afford, after my awful job that pays peanuts, and steepled my hands together once again. The mana flowed through my heart and veins and fingers and back and everything felt wrong. My flow was inconsistent, my mana barely trickled through, and my soul stymied everything that came out, almost like there was a blockage that couldn't be moved. It almost feels like it used to before Arcae, before I was taught soul training.
The execution of my soulcycle is perfect, so that's out of the question. My soulache is gone, which is nice-- didn't even have to use painkillers. But it's so clear to me that something is wrong, like everything about my magic is just slightly off from what I'm used to. Even the way my body feels is different. I can't believe my soul is this damaged and I don't even remember what damaged it. My soul was the only consistent thing in my entire life, and now... I soulcycled for hours into the night and by the time the sun started rising I realized I had to walk to work in four hours. With my morning routine, that would cut it by an hour. I wonder if I could perform my responsibilities like this. Some Mana Mage I am.
"Hey Chloe!" he called out from the receptionist desk, "Wow! You look like shit."
"Thanks Deckard. I'm glad you noticed," I replied back, repressing the urge to snap back.
"What's got you so down?" he asked, this time with genuine care.
"My soul is damaged," I replied, stroking my chest, "It happened on the job. Sometime between last week and yesterday, I lost my memories. When I 'woke up', I noticed my soul was damaged."
"Oh man. Kinda sounds like POSS," he replied.
"What?" I asked with a squint.
"Postural ortho-something soul syndrome, I think. It's been on the news, if you haven't read. What, do you live under a rock?"
"Like I could afford a newspaper. Ha-ha," I leaked out sarcastically, "What did it say?"
"Breaking news! The LCDC has confirmed over four hundred cases of POSS this week!" he said with an exaggerated transcontinental accent.
"So what, one in a hundred fifty something thousand? Seems rare. Why does anyone care?" I asked.
"Demons!" he said with his hands up, doing some stupid voice with wobbly finger gestures, and a stupid face I would typically laugh at if I weren't so exhausted.
"Shut up Deckard," I said with an almost-smile.
"I don't know, Chlowe," I hate that nickname, "It's probably just age and biology, like most diseases. Just go see a soul doc," he said, which pissed me off but I wouldn't want to show it, "But, I'll update your health records for you, just in case. Oh, and by the by, Deacon wants to speak with you in her office."
I sat in the same chair in the same office that I did yesterday, slightly more exhausted, and reluctantly accepted a cup of mana water.
"Hello, Dear," Deacon called as she entered the room, "thank you so much for your patience."
"No worries at all, ma'am," I said.
"I called you here to talk about your mission to Ionia, and about the two you met along the way. In particular, the boy you met, Remi," she said. I had almost forgotten about Remi and Cali. Too focused on my soul.
"Could you tell me in more detail what your soulsight revealed about him?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I narrowed my vision and connected the thread between us. For a brief moment, I witnessed a soul I had never seen before. It was massive and dense. Despite that, it was dark. Very dark. It was as if his soul didn't belong here. Um, sorry, that's speculation."
"No please, continue," she said.
"Okay. Just before I could study what I saw, a separate, bright soul had touched my thread and forced it off of Remi's soul. I'm not sure what happened, but, and again this is speculation, but the soul seemed detached from the body. This, however, is certainly prose: the soul belonged to Cali, without a doubt."
"I see. Thank you for the confirmation. And, according to your report, you have had issues with your soul? Injured on the job?" she said, nodding along.
"Oh! Yes ma'am," I replied, "that's why I notated speculation vs. prose on the report."
"Thank you for your diligence. I have a new assignment for you," she said, and with that, my mood immediately brightened and I tried not to look too giddy, "Bring Remi to Bishop Sirrus. That's all," and of course that's all the information I'll get. I started to get up to leave, before she said, "Oh, and please meet her, Bishop Sirrus, for a soul inspection. I apologize that work has been so scarce. I pray for Elkae to take care of you," and I thought for a moment why Bishop would examine me when we have a medical ward with actual soul docs.
Bishop's office put Deacon's office to shame. In the middle sat a dark brown cocobolo desk lined with papers and photographs, and the backdrop bore a whole-wall window overlooking the entire courtyard, and I felt a little safer knowing my secret spot was out of view.
"Chloe," Bishop said as she approached, "I'm here for your examination," and she pulled up a seat adjacent to mine.
"Thank you for your time, Bishop," I said, and she ignored me completely.
"Hands out, in position," she said curtly which kinda pissed me off but I've gotten in the habit of masking my face here. I held my hands in a steeple position opposite hers and she continued, "now, manaflow." I closed my eyes and let my mana out through my chest and into her fingertips, and it felt just as broken as it did last night. We let the soulcycle continue for a few moments until she pulled away and began transcribing notes on her clipboard. After that, she asked me to close my eyes and enter soulsight, being very clear to suppress my mana and stay still. I felt her thread connect to my soul and I waited for a few moments more. Soulsight looks so dull and empty without Manar. Just the empty black of the void. It feels so empty and boring. You can exit now, she said, vibrating through the thread, and I left, back to the beautiful backdrop of the courtyard.
"How do I look, Bishop?" I asked, anxiously.
"Your soul looks completely fine. No damage or wear. Completely healthy for your age. If anything, quite a bit younger than your age. That's a great sign. Your manaflow is a bit inconsistent from lack of training, and I would highly recommend reading up on some soul exercises from your Parishioner's Handbook to prevent atrophy. That is all. You are dismissed." And then she was gone.
I laid back on my bed, exhausted from everything that's happened, and thought more on what Bishop had said. She was stern and maybe a little rude but I can work past that. More importantly, she confirmed that my soul is healthy. She even handed me a copy of her report and yeah, everything looks good. Then why does my soul feel so wrong?
Maybe my soul isn't damaged. Maybe I am.
I need my mentor. I need somebody to teach me how to use magic. But who? Chloe is the obvious answer as a character that was introduced early on, but our relationship is weird. It's hard to talk to her. When we're together, I'm not even really sure what I'm supposed to say. Tavi, on the other hand, has gotten increasingly easy to talk to. It seemed like our conversation yesterday went really well. The words kept flowing between us and it was like we had an actual dialogue. And yet, for whatever reason, things feel weird today.
I took a sip of my soup while I glanced Tavi's way. She's uncharacteristically silent. Was it all the soul talk yesterday? I mean she seemed a little upset but not enough to give me the silent treatment. But that's okay. I can let her cool down for a while. After all, she's not my mentor, she can't be. She doesn't know anything about magic, and if I want to learn how to navigate this world, I'll need somebody to teach me-- somebody who isn't Chloe and isn't Tavi. If I was the protagonist, what would I do in this scenario? There's only two places I'm familiar with; Cali's house, and the Church. I haven't heard anything about a third place, except the transit system, so as far as I'm concerned, these are the two places that a story beat is most likely to happen. So I guess I have my answer.
I said my goodbyes to Tavi, who barely glanced in my direction, and Keith, who gave an enthusiastic wave and a thank you. I walked down the street and it was far busier than it was yesterday. Mostly people in suits. Huh. I guess corporations are the same everywhere. As I kept walking, I realized that I have no idea where I am. What is this place? I looked up and saw the sheer scale of the skyscrapers, sitting atop what appeared to be grocery stores and restaurants.
"Enamoured?" I heard a familiar voice from behind.
"Ourgh?" I startled as she laughed. Chloe. This can't possibly be a coincidence. I'm being mocked.
"Market Street is one of the oldest neighborhoods in Locria. Nothing historical left, of course, but the settlers basically started right here on this street. Well, Market and Jackson technically. But still," she explained, but I barely registered a word she said.
"Uhm, how did you find me? This city is huge," I asked, almost stunlocked.
"That's a secret!" she said with a finger to her lip, "Of course, I could tell you if you convert! A little prayer goes a long way," and at that, I felt a little irritated, "By the way, did you end up getting what you needed from the library?"
I considered asking her for help navigating the forms, but that would lock her in as my mentor. If I'm shifting my narrative, then I call the shots. I started, "Yes," but didn't know what else to add.
"Would you be interested in coming back to the church? One of our Bishops would be interested in talking to you," she asked. Bingo.
"Yes, please!" I said, and at that, she gave me a look of some kind, "I want to know more about the Church and this city," I said, and she led me to the nearest subway station.
It was pretty awkward on the ride, again, but I had a lot on my mind. On the soul stuff in particular. Especially her soul. I built up the courage to ask, "So, how have you been feeling lately?" I tried to look at her.
She shot me another kind of look, "Oh! Well, I've been alright. Life has just been a little stressful."
"I see," I said. I don't know how to ask about her soul, "Uh, how does your soul, like, feel?" Terrible. Awful stuff. She looked at me and I had a hard time looking back. So I didn't.
"Pretty bad. Why do you ask?" she asked.
"You seemed off after the carriage ride, and you're a Soul Mage. Just curious," that one was way better.
"Argh, yeah, I went to see a soul doc yesterday. Well, kinda. Actually, it was the same person who wants to see you today. Big coincidence!" she replied.
"Oh, how did that go?" I asked, feeling a little more comfortable.
"I don't know. Nothing I guess," she answered, "Bishop Sirrus said nothing was wrong. My soul is healthy. Younger than my typical age demographic, supposedly." I thought about that and what it might mean (and for a brief moment I thought of my own soul, but it's irrelevant and hers would give me the most information). There's definitely a soul in there. That's actually kind of a relief. I was worried Tavi just killed Chloe's 'conscious observer' but there seems to be someone in there, doing the experiencing. Supposedly. I just don't know who is doing the experiencing.
"Sounds like a great thing!" I said.
"No, not really," she countered, "I've just been feeling off. Could be all the stress."
"Stress?" I asked.
"Yeah, life has just been overwhelming I guess. Praying for Elkae's divine blessing," she said, slouching a bit more.
"What kind of god is Elkae?" I pondered out loud, without necessarily meaning to, but it's good that I did.
"Goddess. Elkae is the Goddess of Narrative and Prophecy."
Oh. Oh my god. I was right.
We arrived at the Church and walked right past the library. This place looks much more like an office, or a hotel, than a Church. I expected something more grand, like a cathedral, or gothic statues and engravings, or like, any religious symbols at all. There's none. There's nothing to pray to. We walked into a magic elevator, which begs the question of whether there are any Elevator Mages, but that's not important. What is important is that I'm about to meet my mentor.
"Hello, Remi. You are dismissed, Chloe."
"... Yes ma'am," and she was gone.
"So, how have you enjoyed Locria so far?" she asked, and it was hard to meet her eyes because she was beautiful. With the sunlight shining through the window, the edges of her hair illuminated, and the slight curls at their ends framed her motherly face perfectly. If my narrative theory is correct, which I'm almost certain of at this point, then she is the next important character in my narrative-- the narrative that Elkae has been weaving for me.
"It's okay," I said. I'm not sure where this is going.
"I see you're not one for small talk. That's okay. I prefer that," she said, "I'll be direct. Tell me Remi, what do you think is happening to you?"
I paused, for a long moment. What is she talking about? Well, what does she know about me? She should think I'm just some stray who wandered into Locria without identification, assuming she has access to government records, which seems a little sus to me (unless the concept of separation of Church and State doesn't exist in this world which, now that I think of it, makes a lot of sense). If this is narrative, and Elkae led us to meet, then is it possible Elkae talks directly to her believers? So many isekai anime have diegetic, metaphysical gods and goddesses that literally grant powers to people-- especially the protagonist. I mean, in The Saga of Tanya the Evil, the protagonist sets up the overarching narrative in the first episode; to take revenge on Being X, the God who stole her from Earth to fight a war in another world. That said, is Elkae literally pulling the strings? Is this a game of wits? Is she my Being X?
"Your silence means more than you could know," she said, "Okay, then. How about another question. How many times have you died, Remi?" A shiver ran down my spine, like she saw right through me. She knows about my Respawn Magic, which means there are two possibilities; she's my mentor, or she's my antagonist.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"I'm not at liberty to answer that question," she replied curtly, "but you can trust me, I'm on your side. The Goddess Elkae and the whole of Locria is on your side."