Cali got out of bed and felt nothing. She had gotten used to the feeling of whole-bodied grief, but this wasn't grief, and yet today had felt even emptier than it did the day before the funeral. She walked right to the altar to pay her respects and didn't seem to notice the crown that hadn't been there during her last visit. She tried to pour mana through the wood to maintain it, like she always would, but she couldn't use her magic at all. She couldn't even feel her soul.
"Hey Cali, what's going on?" Keith asked, wearing a face of concern, watching Cali finish her noodles, "You look so gloomy."
"Hi Keith," she responded, as if she had been asleep for a week and was only now awake, except, in almost every way, she was still asleep, "I'm okay. I think I'm still recovering from Skips' funeral."
Keith gave off a slightly sour face that she never picked up. "That was months ago, huh? Going to Ionia didn't help much?" he said, barely concealing it as he sat down beside her. She shifted in her seat and Keith shifted a little closer.
"It's been tough without him," she said, with no thoughts to guide her words, acting on pure instinct, and Keith's concern seemed to turn a bit more serious.
"Hey now," he said, trying to be soothing and failing, "it's okay, I'm here for you," and with that, he shifted a little closer and she shifted a little further away.
"Stop it," she said with a reflexive annoyance in her voice, although none in her body, and swatted his arm away as he moved to comfort her. His face turned even more noticeably sour as she stood up and left the noodleshop without another word.
"Next," said the man at the receptionist desk, and Cali moved up in line to register, "I'll need your identification. Thank you. And if you could sign here. Here. And here. And what's your reason for today's visit?"
"There is something wrong with me, and I don't know what. I lost my memories over the past few days, and I can't use magic," Cali replied, and with that, she had caught the receptionist's attention. He was wide-eyed and almost too excited as he looked over Cali's face.
"Oh! Okay, yes Mrs. Calliope. I have your chart pulled up. Thanks for continually trusting us with your care! I'll have you seen as soon as possible," he said, hastily writing through multiple pages to submit to the medical ward, "Please, have a seat. Doc will be out shortly." She sat down in the lobby and thought about nothing. Absolutely nothing. She hadn't had a single thought from the moment she woke up today, and in that sense, it's like she never did. She barely looked around. Almost everything she did was by muscle memory.
"Mrs. Calliope," the soul doc started, after his brief examination, "I'm sorry, I must be having issues with my soulsight today," he hedged, as he began writing detailed notes on his clipboard.
"Why is that?" she asked, in her delicate, soft voice.
"Oh, please don't worry Mrs. Calliope. Allow me to fetch an assistant. I'll be right back," and he stepped out for a moment, as Cali watched him disappear behind the curtains.
I hate the Church. Chloe was the first Church member I had ever shifted into and I immediately never wanted to shift into another one ever again. Their devotion to their Goddesses made me feel shameful, like I had done something wrong just by existing, but I never hurt anyone. I never meant to. I followed Remi anyways because he has a weird soul, and they're obsessed with souls, and that worries me a lot. What are they going to do with him when they finally observe him with soulsight?
As I phased through the walls of the Church, I found an interior almost more blinding than Market Street with its thousands of people, here in one room with a handful of dozens. The dark no longer felt dark. Unlike Market Street, this place is filled with mana, which only made the souls here resonate all the more brightly. Remi was easy to find, being the only black spot in every room he found himself in, until I saw another black spot as I phased through the walls of the medical ward. Smaller. Less noticeable. But unlike Remi, whose soul had the barest amount of light, this one was completely and utterly dark. And I realized who it was. Cali.
In the colorful darkness, relative to the brightness of the lobby, I saw the doctor emit a small pulse of mana that bounced off the walls and bounced off Cali, and for a moment I had to hide myself so he wouldn't see me when the mana bounced back towards him, and I realized that he was in soulsight. Afterwards, I saw him pouring mana into Cali's veins which circulated back into his fingertips, and watched as he stepped away to pour mana into his clipboard and walk right out of her section. Quickly, I shifted back into her, afraid of what they would do to a person with no soul, and all of Cali's memories flooded back into me, all at once, and I felt everything she felt from the moment she woke up until now. But the frightening part is that I had no memories of her thoughts because there were none.
"Hello Cali," the woman said, coming in alongside the doctor, "My name is Alyse. I'm a nurse with the Church. Doctor Illvys told me you're having problems with your soul?"
It took me a moment to come up with something to say because all these memories assaulting my mind made it difficult to think, "Um, yes," I said, deciding to keep it short.
"Alright Cali, give me a moment. I'm going to check your soul. It will only be a moment. Let me know if you feel anything off, okay?" Alyse said as she closed her eyes to enter soulsight and I followed her, staying in Cali's body this time, just to see what she sees. She pulsed out a small wave of mana just like Illvys. Hers was less balanced and more inconsistent than his, but I watched the mana bounce off my soul and back to hers and I wondered if I could do something like that too. Next, she took my hands and pumped her mana inside of me, entering my hands and cycling through my heart and I hated the feeling, it felt disgusting, like she was violating my soul with her dirty mana. It made me feel sick.
"Oh," she started as she opened her eyes, giving the doctor a longer look, "it appears your soul is very, mature," and she trailed off, continuing her locked gaze with Illvys. She took his clipboard and poured more mana inside to record her observations.
Illvys took the papers back to review what had been written between the two of them and said, "Could you wait here for a moment Cali? I would like to have my Priest come take a look at you. Just a third opinion is all. Nothing to worry about."
But I heard the twinge of concern and curiosity in his voice and I felt like a caged animal, surrounded by humans to be observed and laughed at. I feel disgusting. I feel shameful. I replied, "Okay doctor. Please take your time. I'm in no hurry," with my best blank face, the same that the soulless Cali wore on her way in here. And as the two left the room, I looked around and saw a window leading to the courtyard, climbed through, and shut the window closed like I was never there. I walked briskly through the courtyard, through a maze of well-kept hedges until I found a clearing that felt immediately familiar, calming, and reassuring-- out of view of the Church with a small bench and a modest water fountain centerpiece. I sat down on the bench and let my heartbeat settle down as I looked around at the topiaries and the high-rise skyline in the distance. Instinctively, I reached for something in my pocket to light, and when I found nothing I started to cry. There's a tightness in my stomach, but even worse, the same hole I felt in my chest without a body began to inhabit the one I'm wearing now. The hole is back and I feel warm water beginning to stream down my cheeks.
I wish Remi was here with me. I don't know what to do now.
It's been a long, long day. I knew it would be when I woke up early to find Remi with the intent to visit the Adventurer's Guild afterwards, but didn't expect to take a subjugation request of all things, and definitely didn't expect to finish that quest the same day. But I guess Elkae has a plan for everybody and she's chosen me to help the outskirts of Eastern Locria.
"Your first, for subjugation?" Axel asked me in his broken Western.
"Oh, no," I replied, "although most of my subjugations have been during my missions."
"I see. From Church?" he grunted.
"Yes, I am. Have you had trouble with the Church in the past?" I asked, reading his tone of voice and body language, although he's hard to read in general. All dwarves are, I suppose. It might be cultural.
"No and yes," he started, "Grateful for what help they offer but not enough. Not like inner City." His face looked a little solemn. I think. Again, hard to tell. The carriage ride following the Outer Wall was bumpy with poorly maintained, dirt roads, and the whole outskirts smelled like manure. Endless rows of farms as far as the eye can see, all of them housing horses. It was hard to have a conversation with my senses under assault, but I tried anyways.
"What's your experience with the Church?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation alive, and he grunted again in response.
"Helpful at times, for sending squishy missionary like you-" he caught himself and continued, "I am sorry. Very rude. Little combat experience, I mean."
"Ah, I take no offense. I appreciate that you're so polite," I said with a smile, "I agree. The Church has been shortstaffed."
"Fault is with Church. Unnecessary is war, for problems are here, with us. With Church, eyes are closed. Evil."
"The war is absolutely necessary," said Fymner, a missionary just like me, supposedly, but three-fourths my height which I thought was kinda cute, "the situation is complex. It's unfair to reduce the situation to good or evil." I could see Fymner starting to get a little heated, which I thought was pretty funny. Axel did not.
"No. Evil exists. Good exists. It is plain to see. Good are we, who risk life to protect what we love, from what evil that takes without need," Axel replied. He crossed his arms and slouched a bit.
"The Church is no different. We are protecting all of Locria," Fymner replied, and I could tell he was trying to temper himself.
"Bah!" grunted Axel, "Protection by Church comes by invasion? Murders of innocent? For what are different ways of life? Stupid. Wasteful. Evil."
"It's because you don't see the big picture, you can't see the whole like the Church can," Fymner rebutted but that kinda pissed me off a little too.
"No single person at the Church knows anything outside of their roles," I interjected, "Even you only know enough to complete this mission. How could the whole know anything if nobody knows anything?"
Fymner softened quite a bit as he looked at me, "I understand where you're coming from. Imagine, for a moment, that although we know little ourselves, we are all contributing to the Church as its own entity. All the little pieces working together, and the whole knows what the components don't. The outcomes are emergent and arise from what individuals can't offer. And of course, all we can do is speculate off of prose, so don't get me wrong Chloe, this is merely speculation. Do you think Locria can live off its own mana forever?" And so I sat with that for a good portion of the very quiet ride. If mana can't be created or destroyed, how could we possibly run out?
At some point, I tried to get the conversation going but Axel and Fymner got sick of hearing each other. I was really hoping that I could help build team spirit and camaraderie before we all entered the dungeon, but I failed. Ugh, that's not fair. It's not entirely my fault. The two have incompatible values. I just wanted to believe I could bring them together despite that.
We entered a local bar near the East Gate. Unlike the South Gate, there was an actual community here. People really live here. We sat down at a table as a waitress, a halfling, took our order. I looked around and couldn't help but notice how diverse it was here. Humans, elves, dwarves, halflings, and a few I didn't recognize. Although, I saw some people with darker skin and Eastern garb and I wondered what their lives were like such that they visited the one city responsible for mass displacement. I felt a wave of shame wash over my body, so I reached for my pocket and lit another up.
"Want one?" I asked as I displayed my pack over the table. Fymner declined, saying he abstains from substances, but Axel took one that I lit for him.
Axel and I smoked for a bit, and I glanced at Fymner a few times to check if he was uncomfortable with the smoke, but if he was, he didn't show it. However, after a few moments while Axel and I drank, Fymner said, "Actually, could I take one? I'm a bit nervous. It's my first subjugation." And we enjoyed the quiet company for a bit longer.
Fymner was the first to break the silence, "I'm sorry Axel. I was rude."
"It is nothing," Axel responded, "War divides. Together, we are strong for it, " At that, I expected Fymner to respond poorly, but he actually smiled.
Fymner turned to me and asked, "Are you on a Church mission?" and quickly added, "If it's secret, you can keep it. I'm just curious."
"Oh no," I responded, "I'm picking up some extra work. Spec and Prose hasn't been sending me on missions like they were, you know, before the war."
Fymner lit up like a candle, "Oh! You're with CSP too? What a coincidence! I was assigned this mission today, but I would have thought you were with Con Res since they posted this request."
"Really?" I said, shocked, "I'm surprised they sent a missionary on a subjugation request."
"Oh!-- right," Fymner said, embarrassed, "I think I wasn't supposed to say that," and his cheeks turned a rosy red.
"Wooooww," I teased, "Leaking Church secrets? Wait until Deacon hears about this!" and with that he turned a little more red. I felt guilty so I added, "Don't worry about it. Nothing wrong with a little gossip. I delivered someone to the Church yesterday. Seemed like a big deal."
"Really now..." Fymner added as he tailed off.
I nudged gently nudged my elbow into his side saying, "Hey now, no speculating," and he giggled in response.
"She is here," said Axel as a woman approached our table.
"I apologize for being late," she said, with a beautifully smooth accent, "You may refer to me as Sylvie," and she gave an elegant, curt bow as I recalled 'Drossel Sylvae' from the liability form. We all introduced ourselves as Sylvie sat down.
"And, how are we today?" she asked in an airy tone.
"Food for energy and long encounters," Axel replied.
"Indeed," she replied, and we sat in another bought of silence as we drank and waited for our food. High in nerves if I had to guess.
After we all finished eating, I asked, "Okay. What's our strategy? It's just the four of us, and I'm assuming we'll have a lot of ground to cover."
Fymner started first, "I would like to be the team leader from the rear. I'll have an easier time calling shots. As a Mind Mage, I can locate enemies that we can't see in the dark and give callouts for potential ambushes."
"Aye," Axel responded, "That is good," while Sylvie and I nodded along.
"And, be rest assured," he continued, "we are under the guidance of the Goddess of Narrative and Prophecy. We cannot possibly lose."
The dungeon entrance looked terrifying in an almost mesmerizing way. It looked like it doesn't belong here on Aeolia; absolutely not, it looks like it came from a different planet. No, a different reality. As soon as we stepped in, I felt a pulling sensation on my soul that I had never felt before. It was unnerving. Axel and Sylvie barely reacted, but I noticed Fymner shiver as we were presented with a seemingly empty cave.
We were mere minutes into walking when Fymner called out, "Ambush! Axel, two at the front. Drossel, Chloe, behind us, three!"
I turned around and heard Axel grunt with a metallic clash behind us, and in front of us were three kobolds carrying makeshift weapons that I didn't have time to identify. Sylvie drew her bow and loosed an arrow which struck the first in the head, as I severed three major arteries in another. The third began to scream as it dropped its weapon and held its head-- I sliced through its throat and drained its blood and mana to the floor before it alerted whatever nearby entities could be lurking in the dark.
We only gave a brief look over each other, confirmed no injuries, and continued. I thought to myself that Mind Magic must be incredibly sensitive if Fymner could sense an ambush by thought alone, and that Thought and Polish may really be as distinct as Opie claimed. But the next callout surprised me a little.
"In about a minute we'll come across one orc from the front and another three kobolds from the back. Drossel, strike the one on the left in the head, Axel strike the one on the right on the leg and then the head. Chloe, sever the jugular of the left and center kobolds and I'll cripple the right. Remember your roles and get ready." And the fight proceeded exactly how he commanded. It was as if he was simultaneously an excellent Mind Mage and an even better tactician, especially for his first subjugation.
"Up ahead. Axel, block a swing from the right. Drossel, Chloe; to the backline. Two orcs, two goblins. Drossel, volley shot with three arrows, aim center. Don't worry about accuracy. Chloe, carotid arteries on both orcs. I'll keep them disabled." As the demon approached, I heard Axel give off a sharp scream of pain but I didn't look back. I severed the carotids of both orcs and without so much as glancing backwards, Fymner continued, "Okay perfect! Chloe, get your arma and heal Axel's right thigh. Hurry!" And I turn backwards and saw a sword stuck halfway into Axel's right thigh and I almost dry heaved.
"Axel, take a deep breath," I commanded and I wondered why the hell Fymner gave the commands he did. I gave a firm grip on the sword and as he took a deep breath, so did I, and I pulled the sword out of him. He screamed loud enough to hurt my ears but I took my arma and flipped the right page and let my mana get sucked out of my soul, smoothing over his sliced femur, reconnecting his delicate pattern of veins, and closing up his flesh and skin, the whole time as he gave quieter grunts of discomfort.
"Chloe, back to us! My arm, hurry!" Fymner screamed as I turned around and I saw his left arm barely hanging on a thread. The entire space reeked of iron and I held in my bile as I held his arm in place-- difficult as the sheer amount of blood left both parts of his arm slippery, but when I found the right place, I shot mana into my arma in the other hand, reconstructing Fymner's in the same way I did for Axel. "Axel, finish off the three on the floor here, before they get back up!"
After the fight, I pulled a spear out of Sylvie's abdomen and put her organs back where they should be. Everyone is technically healed, but they've lost enough blood to be barely capable of walking. Somehow, and for whatever reason, I'm the only one who wasn't struck a single time in all the battles we went through, and I thanked Goddess Elkae for finally giving me a break.
Exhausted, Fymner quietly said, "Alright team, we're done. The area is cleared. Let's head back to the East Gate."
Axel and Sylvie headed to the inn upstairs while Fymner and I stayed down at the bar for a few more drinks.
"So much for abstinence," I teased.
"After all that shit, I need something. One hell of a first subjugation. Frankly, I hope I never have to do another one again," he replied, dejected.
"Hey, you did a great job!" I reassured, "Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone lived. No permanent injuries-- just need some time to rest."
"It wasn't my shots that saved everyone," he leaked out, and immediately corrected while stumbling over his words and obviously intoxicated, "I mean. Like, uh, well yeah. My shots. No, I'm sorry that's a lie. It shouldn't matter if you know, it'll be public soon."
"What will be public?" I asked.
"The next Archmagus has been found and he led us through this dungeon. His shots, not mine."
On Earth, every day was the same, and when something would change, that would eventually become the same too. Early life gives you a lot of milestones and they just kinda happen without trying. Kindergarten becomes elementary becomes middle becomes high becomes community becomes undergrad becomes graduate becomes a career and within each milestone it's the same day over and over. It was Respawn Magic before I had a name for it. I thought I was suffering before-- and I had the paperwork to prove it, but I don't have to prove it anymore. I have to live it.
I couldn't stop Chloe from getting hurt. She had the least HP out of everyone in the party and she can't heal herself. What kind of game doesn't let you heal your own healer? My priorities kept changing. At first I thought I could flawlessly clear the dungeon but controlling a party through Link Magic is far different from turn-based combat. The game is less like a turn-based strategy game and more like a real-time strategy game. Except instead of like Starcraft where I'm a player that can control a battlefield of units through high actions per minute; it's more like League of Legends where I'm a coach that calls the shots and the players control themselves. And even that's a poor comparison, because instead of being a coach that talks to all players at once, I talk only to one player that must communicate my shots to the rest of the players on my behalf.
At first, I tried explaining the strategy to Fymner, but when I asked him to sacrifice damage to one unit-- specifically Axel with his very high HP-- he would either refuse, or confirm the shot while communicating something completely different. And worse, when I got even a little upset, he would start to ignore my shots completely. So yes, anger can be telepathically transmitted as a tone of voice, as can any emotion or tone of voice. Eventually, I got really good at preventing my voice from communicating any emotion. The winning strategy was thus:
- Communicate with a straight voice through all shots and prevent any emotion from leaking (even a confident or excited voice would cause Fymner to be overconfident).
- Complete the first few combat encounters flawlessly so Fymner would trust every following shot (whenever I let the party take damage early, party members would begin to freeze up in future encounters, specifically Fymner and Chloe).
- During the final impossible combat encounters, allow the party to sustain tactical damage (against overwhelming numbers of foes, they seemed to expect to take more damage, which was helpful because they were still confident from early encounters which made damaging encounters more forgiving).
That was the only strategy where I could prevent Chloe from sustaining permanent injuries, or worse, from... dying. None of it would be worth a successful clear.
"I'm impressed Archmagus, sir. A flawless victory. How many deaths did it take?" Sirrus asked. Bastard.
"I didn't count. It's unnecessary. All that matters is that we won," I replied, letting go of my suppressed emotions, and allowing my voice to be bitter. Very bitter, "And it wasn't flawless. Fymner is... I don't know. He's different. Everyone is."
"That's the cost of war," she said, plainly, emotionlessly, "People are injured. People are traumatized. People die," and I wanted to say something even more bitter, but she continued, "Most importantly, people are saved. The East Gate is safe. It's possible that you have just saved hundreds of lives, and it cost very little, all thanks to you." I thought about that for a moment, until she interrupted, "For the record, you didn't have to save them all."
"Fuck you," I said, almost automatically.
"Sacrifices are required for victory. Not every battle will end up how we did today. In the future, you may be commanding entire armies. And then, you won't save everybody. You can't. Death is inevitable."
"I can try," I said, weakly, but not sure I really believe that.
"And you did, today. But I wonder how many deaths it will take next time," she said, "Regardless, you have another responsibility to live up to."
"What?" I let out. I really, really don't want to go through this again. The feeling of Fymner's barely connected arm is a pain that I will never forget.
"A public commencement ceremy," she said, and for once she conveyed emotions, the same confidence I desperately tried to hide in every branch I tested, "to let the world know that the next Archmagus has been ordained."
She let me go, saying there's no point in running, that the Church is prepared to allow my access to knowledge that I want to know. Specifically, the Rules behind my Respawn Magic; or at least, what they believe are the Rules to Clairvoyance Magic. And as I thought about that, I explored the Church and its courtyard. I have a feeling that I'm going to be here for a very, very long time. And who else did I find but Tavi.
"Tavi?" I asked, finding her on a bench, "What are you doing here?"
"Remi!" she exclaimed and she ran a hug into me. I felt her wet, warm tears against my shirt (which, I'm now realizing really needs a good wash, I smell awful) and she hugged tighter and tighter. I really don't know what to do. Should I ask why she's crying? No that's weird. Why she's here? I don't know, maybe that's off topic. What happened? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. So I opted to hug her back, just a little bit, and almost cried too.